I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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