I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
