god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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