My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
