either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
