Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Let's get the cat blown out
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
