new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
