Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
