We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
