Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
