Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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