I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
