When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
