we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
