bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
