When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
this just has baby written all over it
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
