I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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