Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
