there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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