You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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