if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
