ya dads aren't the best wingmen
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
