Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize
