I'm drive I can fine osifer
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
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