do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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