mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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