Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
