I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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