this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
