yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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