If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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