Screwed.edu
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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