i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
