I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
