I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
