he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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