I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
