My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
