okay pat passed out under dana's car
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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