if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
you had me at cake vodka
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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