The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
