She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
