This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
