first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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