I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
