matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
