he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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