i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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