Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
