shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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