drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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